Weight Watchers Rule No. 1 - Whoever Leaves The Most Points On the Floor WINS!

Back on track.
I went out to dinner the other night and think I did alright!
Keeping within the parameters of the Weight Watchers Points Plus program, I dutifully looked up the restaurant we were going to ahead of time and scanned their menu.
I picked out a Steak Salad.
Huge plate of mixed greens...four grilled asparagus spears a few blue cheese crumbles and about 3 oz of steak.
I could manage that.

My husband lately has gotten into the odd habit of ordering an appetizer and dessert with dinner.
Funny how as soon as I jump back into WW he changes his eating habits.
I manage to ignore the fried mozzarella appetizer but when his huge plate of fried calamari arrives he says to me, "wants some?"
I say "no" as I reach for a piece.
No sooner do I pick it up it slips from my finger and hits the floor.
My husband comments..."what's the matter...if it was in the car you would have picked it up and ate it by now!"
I glare at him.
Not because he's wrong, but because he said it in front of ten other people.
I reach for another piece and try to wipe the breading off onto my plate...the rubbery ring flips from my grip and falls to the floor.
My husband smirks but wisely chooses to keep silent.

As my husband's dessert arrives...Rice pudding with raspberries and a slew of gourmet cookies to dip into it, I weaken a bit.
I grab a cookie off his plate while he's not looking and in my haste drop it on the floor.
I mourn in silence and wish I was in my car.
He turns to me and says "These cookies are awesome do you want one?"
"No", I reply, not meaning it.
Seeing the longing in my eyes, he scoops the fresh raspberries off the pudding with his spoon and tries to feed them to me as a consolation prize.
I manage to get two into my mouth before the third one rolls off the spoon leaving a stain on my pant leg before rolling onto the floor.
My husband says nothing...motionless...he doesn't even blink.
I shrug in disgust and he relaxes and finishes his dessert making sure not to offer me anything more.

When we finally get up to leave...I  take inventory of the pieces of food under my chair and estimate their point value to be between 4 and 5.
As we walk pass the bar and I stop abruptly and order a brandy.
Sipping my 4 point dessert, I hold onto the glass real tight, as I have no intentions of leaving any points under my bar stool.

An Exercise in Stupidity Builds Charactor Not Muscle

"I can't frigging believe it" I say to myself, as I yank on my combination lock and nothing happens.
Every week I come in, take a locker near the corner, toss on my lock and go to my workout.
I have never had any problem with the combination.
Today somethings wrong.
As I try the lock again, without success, I look at an identical  lock two doors down.
Could it be I am at the wrong locker?
I try the other one and nothing...I try two more on the other side...nothing!
I glance around and take note of all the combination locks.
A creature of habit, I usually never venture more than 4 lockers past the corner either way.
That's because self conscious people longing to be invisible like to hide in the corners.
And because of this habit, I can rule out pretty much 90% of the other locks.
I sit sipping my water while contemplating my situation, thinking about how of all days I can't be late getting home.
A package is being delivered today that needs to be signed for and here I am stuck in a locker room.

The girl that has been drying her hair near the sink offers to try the combination for me.
Nothing.
I thank her and she goes on her way.
As I walk out to the main lobby I ask the staff if they have bolt cutters.
Yep, we do.
I ask..."does anyone ever forget their combination?"
Nope your the first...
Crap, if I'm going to be the first in something, why did it have to be this.
A few moments later the bolt cutters arrive and snap the lock is history.
As I open the locker, I am horrified to see someone else's clothes hanging on the hooks.
"Oh my God, it's not my locker!"
I am now completely confused, embarrassed and I can feel panic rising from my gut.
The staff member recognizes the coat and says that she knows who' s lock we just cut off and will explain it to her.
I say no, I will stay and tell her.
Meanwhile I look around at the remaining locks, still confused as to where I put my clothes.
I walk to a locker half way down the row just out of curiosity and try the lock.
It opens, both to my relief and dismay (not necessarily in that order).
Still baffled that I have no recollection of selecting a locker "out of my comfort zone", I head out to the front to wait for the owner of the cut lock to finish a spin class.
A half hour later I offer my apology, my lock and money to the girl.
As I walk out to the parking lot I wonder how I'll ever be able to live this one down.
But as I drive home an idea come to mind.
Don't try to live it down....live it up instead.
When I get home I make a tag to hang off my lock the next time.
It's similar to the markers you might hang off a wine glass stem except it's much bigger and reads..
"IT'S THIS ONE DUMMY"

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Beware! Weight Loss Side Effects - You Might Learn To Like Exercise!!!

"Look look, I yelled to no one in particular, I think I see something!"
I was staring at the side of my abdomen and under 10 years of accumulated belly fat was, I think....a muscle!
I wasn't sure exactly, but it looked different...in a better kind of way. 

See, it's been four weeks since I started eating right and three weeks since I fumbled through Zumba, powered through Pilates, stretched myself in Yoga and learned a new word "kettlehell"...I mean kettlebell in Core 360.
I'm still here.
Still going to Pilates, Yoga and yes, even Core 360.
Zumba is out and a mini-tramp at home is in.
But I'm still moving.
That's what's important.

Core is still excruciating, although the urge to throw up doesn't hit me till I'm in the car now.
That, to me, is progress.
I still can't do a sit up with my hands behind my head unless the instructor stands on my feet.
That's so frustrating.
I suggested to my husband that to practice he should sit in front of me with five dollar bills; and for each sit up I do without assistance I get to keep one.
He agreed as long as he could watch TV and I provide the five dollar bills.
The last stipulation kind of killed the incentive for me.
The instructor said that doing a sit up has to do with core strength....that's where I hope the Pilates will help.

Pilates is powerful, meditative and a lot of hard work.
Squeeze your butt, tighten your stomach, loosen your shoulders, breath in, exhale and for Pete's sake get that scrunched up look off your face.  : }
So many things to think about...feel and control.
But I don't care how hard it is...
Any workout that even ever so slightly resembles taking a nap has a positive effect on me.
Even if it resembles a nap while in traction.

Yoga, is still pretty new to me.
I've learned two things....one side of my body is definitely weaker than the other...and... after the class for some reason, I feel taller.
Not sure why, but I did and I went with it.
When I got home I cleaned all the top cupboards in my kitchen and changed a light bulb in my closet. 
The feeling only lasted about 36 hours but I liked it and will be going back for more.
You see, beside the obvious healthy benefits of Yoga,  I'm planning on repainting my ceilings this Spring.



Finally, to replace Zumba I bought a mini tramp and decided to rebound.
I love the workout and never get bored of trying different steps to music or the rhythmic beat of the plastic bowl in the dishwasher hitting the spinner arm. 
To add to the challenge my Great Dane "Lottie" loves to drop all her toys onto the tramp to watch them bounce.
Sometimes if she is really bored she likes to run through my legs while I'm doing jumping jacks.

When she'd gets tired of that, she climbs on with me and stands on the tramp while I jog in place.
Even with all the moral support I still manage to get in a good workout...moving is moving in my book.

So I'm four weeks into my fitness journey and discovering so many things.
That you do get a sort of high after a good workout...sort of.
Find the types of workouts you enjoy and it will be easier to stick with it.
Stick with it and you will begin to feel and see small changes if you pay attention.
Stick with it and you might even learn to like it.

Kettlebell ? I Thought You Said Dinner Bell !

I started watching the Biggest Loser some time last year.
I don't catch every episode, usually only one here or there when my husband isn't home.
He's not interested.
Doesn't need to be, he doesn't gain a pound.
I like the show because I think it's cool that they have those nice trainers pushing them and helping them out.
If I had a trainer, it would be easy to lose weight.

WELL.... when I went to join a gym last October I told them I wanted some personal guidance.
They told me about a program called Core 360.
It's a non-traditional workout where you use different types of items like ropes, kettle bells, medicine balls etc in a small group workout.
VERRRRY PERSONAL....ALMOST LIKE HAVING  YOUR OWN TRAINER!!!
I thought of the The Biggest Loser Show and signed happily on the dotted line.

I spent the next three months walking on a treadmill trying to get over my fear of taking a group class.
When I finally got my courage up I signed up for four different classes...
Today it was Core 360.

Nervously I walked into the designated area and counted my fellow workout buddies.
There were five people in the class.
Wow, they weren't kidding about "that" personal attention.
All shapes, sizes and gender in what looked like different levels of fitness which for some reason boosted my confidence.
Arrogantly I figured myself in the middle somewhere on the fitness comparison scale.

Then the class started.

For forty five minutes straight we did every conceivable exercise that required squats, push ups and the equivalent  upper body strength of a gorilla!
Using nothing but Kettlebells and something attached to the wall called a T-Rex...we alternated between the two pieces of equiptment doing three sets of  different moves on each one each time.

I barley got through the warm ups when I new I was in trouble.

Finding ZUMBA - Discovering My Inner Rhythm (Maybe Not)

Photo By Susush/stockxchng

There are a few things that no matter how I tried, I just couldn't do.

When I was 9, the Polka.

In the 80's it was aerobics.

Early 90's... country line dancing and that damn Electric Slide.

2001 an eight week modern dance class.

Yet..yet...even though all my instincts told me differently...after numerous failures at any synchronized dance movement of any kind...even after a very nice dance instructor told me that choreographed dance may not be for me...

I took a ZUMBA class.

If you don't know what a ZUMBA class is all about, in short, it's a combination aerobics/dance class set to hot Latin music. 

Sounds fun right! 

I guess it would be if your not dance step challenged like me.

I know, you're probably saying if I gave it a chance I could do it.

Not so sure.

See since the first time I stepped on my dad's shoes to dance a Polka at my big sis's wedding, I've  been trying.

There are brief moments when sometimes I get the feet, sometimes the hands but once I have to put the upper half and the bottom half together forget it.

Throw in an instructor that's facing one way and that damn mirror that showing you another way and pretty soon I'm doubting just about everything I believe about myself, even my hair color.

Was it the left foot and the right hand, then hop... or the right foot and the left hand, and skip.

It doesn't matter, the class has already moved on to the next sequence.

I'm not bitter. Really

I know my limitations.

I'm just mad that I thought after 40 years of trying, I was going to just magically get it.
I'll be alright.

I may not be able to string 43 separate foot and hand movements together in a sequence to music, but I can throw together a full course dinner for four with only one pot, three broken stove burners, two ingredient's and 15 minutes.

OK, I'm exaggerating.

But you understand...

We all have different talents.

So today I may have won the Elaine Benes award for the best dance interpretation of Latin music but at least I tried....and got a great workout too!

Bubble Girl - OR - Fitness Tales For Newbies & Dummies

Photo by giesk-stockxchng

Well it finally happened.
I participated in a group class at the gym.
I put on my invisibility bubble and walked into a Pilates class and survived.
In fact at the end of the class I felt joy, I felt elated, I felt absolutely great...



See for weeks I have gone to the gym and tried the standard workout on the treadmills, machines and ellipticals.
I like the treadmill.
I could take or leave the elliptical.
I left the machines.

Not because I couldn't do them, but because they were boring.
I would start my mindless routine and half way through stop bored to tears.
Looking around I knew that no one would ever realize I had given up.
That's because no one could  see me, I had my bubble on.
No one would know I quit but me.

So week after week I would retreat back to my faithful treadmill strengthening my invisible bubble with every meditative step.
Don't look at me, don't talk to me, don't look at me, don't talk to me.....

Then one day I went to the gym when it was busy.
There were so many people.
Self conscious, I nervously searched for an unoccupied treadmill.
The only one left was way across the room next to the "group class" door.
My bubble and I walked swiftly to the safety of the treadmill and stepped on and started walking.
Don't look at me, don't talk to me, don't look at me, don't talk to me....
It wasn't long before I became aware of this strange music wafting past me.
It had a tribal beat, sexy, pulsating, addicting!
It made me look up!
Through the door window I could see people moving, stretching, dancing... letting loose in a controlled way.
I didn't know what they were doing, all I know is that I wanted in.
Could I get my bubble through the door, I wondered.
This would take some planning.

Each week I watched a different class as I walked on my treadmill by the door.
Zumba, Pilates, Yoga, Boot Camp...I watched them all.
I watched men and women walk in and walk out....
After four weeks I made up my mind...I was going to try one.

Downward Dog and Other Mixed Signals

I joined Weight Watchers.

Again.

Since I have made this commitment to better choices, I realize I just can't sit on the couch and watch TV and do nothing during these long winter evenings....

I must "move" somehow.

I already hit the gym this morning for a what I call a "whoosy" workout.

(I showed up, I walked, I ellipticaled, I left)

What was needed tonight was something low key but productive that didn't interfere with GLEE!

YOGA!

Now I don't do yoga...though I did take a class 25 years ago.

 In fact I still have the handout from that class somewhere. (that's another story)

I dug around my "important junk papers" box and much to my surprise I found it!
It was tattered and had coffee stains all over it but I could still read it.
I saved it because it was simple, straight forward, drawn with stick figures and it didn't "hurt" me.
Thirty one simple stretches and poses starting from a standing position and finishing in a Savanna.
I was set!
Hurry up GLEE!

As I began the gentle stretches my Great Dane lifted her head up off the couch where she was napping. Curiously she watched wondering what my intentions were.
As she watched, she would occasionally glance at her toy box.
I had her attention!

Adventures In Spontaneous Cleaning

I cleaned out my kitchen cupboards yesterday.
Not because I thought they needed it, though they did.
But because I felt like it.
That's all.
That happens sometimes.
I may be walking through the kitchen with load of laundry and decide right then and there that the baseboards need scrubbing with a toothbrush.
It does happen!
It's happened before.
I remember.
About a year and a half ago my girlfriend Anne called me.

"What'cha doin?"
Scrubbing baseboards with a toothbrush".
SILENCE...then.. "Really"?
"Yep"
"Why"?
"I dunno...just felt like it".

It wasn't planned.
It just needed to be done, I had never done it before and I felt like doing it...
Right then and there while carrying the laundry through the kitchen.
Did I get the load of laundry in? - Yes
Did I get to the post office like I was supposed too? - NO
Did my baseboards get cleaned? Yes
While cleaning the baseboards did I find twenty cents, a guitar pic and a backing to one of my earrings? - Yes
All is good.

Well that's how my cupboards got cleaned.
Without a plan, with no agenda...just cleaned.
Boy did they need it!

In the cupboard that stores the toaster I found enough crumbs to make a loaf of bread.
I counted 32 plastic storage container lids and only 7 storage containers.
I found lids to my pot's and pans mixed in with mixing bowls and the cheese grater and measuring cups in with the pots and pans.
I found a ring I had been looking for and a box of finishing nails in with the over sized serving dishes.
There was a hammer in with the cake stand and party ware.
And last but not least I found three light bulbs, a wood plane, junk mail and and assortment of non-catagorizable items in with bake ware.

Granted,
Sometimes I get distracted...
Sometimes I clean by stuffing things where they shouldn't be...
Sometimes I clean with no agenda..
But one things for sure...it's always an adventure.

Crystals Are A Girl's True Friend

I have been cleaning out my office this week and have come across a few of my random journal entries sprawled in various notebooks. I'd thought I'd share a couple with you....
This one is about my decision to let my hair go natural, written about four and a half years ago.

The directions were really quite simple...cut your hair short!
I looked up from my computer screen and rested my chin on my hand.
I have been searching for a way to quickly grow out my salt and pepper hair despite the cries of protest from every women that I mentioned it too.
Was I betraying some code of the modern sisterhood just because I liked the way my roots glistened in the sun?
To me the grey hair looked like crystals floating on top a pool of Cairol medium brown.
I thought the crystals were pretty.

Actually, ever since I turned forty a few years back I have a different way of looking at many things.
A year ago I married at the age of forty six.
Not for the first time but for the right reasons.
Since that day I boarded a plane to LasVegas and  married Sam, my life has become the very life I dreamed about since I was twenty.
Casual, relaxed, creative and fun.
I also discovered I was comfortable with myself.

Getting up from my desk I walk down the hall to look into the bathroom mirror.
I pull my hair straight up and measure my root growth with my fingers.
Approximately one inch!
Calculating in my head the time lapsed since my last dye job, I figure if I cut my hair short today and keep it faithfully trimmed it should be completely natural by the time my 48th birthday rolls around next March.
Perfect!

I remember back in elementary school I couldn't wait till I was forty. 
What kid wishes that?
It's almost like I had a premonition that life would begin in my forties....and in all respects,
the life I love, did!

Now where are those scissors?

If You Can't Say Anything Nice - Let It Rip!

My dad always had a catch phrase that he used when people asked him impossible questions or pointed out idiotic things. 
One of them was "it's all part of the system"
Most of the time it worked...
What I mean by worked is, it stopped the conversation from going any farther so he didn't have to say what he really thought.
I have one I use myself for the same reason.
It's not as subtle.
But I still get the same results.
If someone starts discussing something that makes no sense to me
I simply say "that's stupid"!
End of conversation.
You might say that's pretty rude but actually it's not
What I might be thinking is probably worse.
If I am asked a dumb question sometimes I might react with complete silence in hopes they will just change the subject.
Other times if I want the the speaker to stop talking I sometimes say "I don't get it" or "what does that mean?" with the hopes they get frustrated at my ignorance and leave me alone.
But sometimes...there is no way out...
I just let it rip!
Here's an example.
This morning at 5am I toss the laundry I washed the night before into the dryer and start getting ready for work.
While I'm brushing my teeth my husband yells up to me from the kitchen.

JANET! JANET!

WHAT!
I stop brushing to listen.

DO YOU GOT SOMETHING GOING ON IN THE DRYER?

SILENCE (perplexed by question) 

WHAT? (pretending I didn't hear)
I step out in the hallway trying to decide which tactic to use. What does he think is happening when the "clothes"dryer is on? If it's that mysterious to him why can't he just look for himself, the laundry room is two steps from the kitchen?
I bite my tongue trying not to be a smart ass.

DO YOU GOT SOMETHING GOING ON IN THE DRYER?

MORE SILENCE
I realize there is no way out of this question so I let it rip...
YEAH I'M DRYING SOME LETTUCE I WASHED FOR MY LUNCH, YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?

SILENCE
then
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO BE A SMART ASS?

SILENCE

WHAT?

Company's Coming - To Clean or Not To Clean.

My friend Annie stopped over today with her family.

We talk on the phone every morning but she has not been over to a house that I have lived in since 2003.

It's a special occasion.

While giving instructions over the phone this morning she ends the conversation with "don't clean up for me"!

She means it.

"I know I won't" I reply, only half meaning it.

As we hang up I look around at the mess and start picking up.

I know I don't have to clean...I know she won't care that the dog's toys are strewn everywhere or that there are dishes in the sink and Cheerios on the kitchen floor.

I know that.

She won't care that I haven't dusted since Christmas or hobbies occupy every corner and flat surface of my house, but I clean anyway.

Simply out of respect.

I want the place to look nice for her and her family.

I do the best I can in short notice.

I vacuum.

Forty five minutes later they arrive and I do the obligatory tour leaving out of course all the bedrooms, basement and garage. 

For obvious reasons.

We head outside to the deck and the afternoon meanders by.

Time to go!

I can't stand it....

I'm feeling guilty...

Anne, WAIT, I want to show you something.

As I head over to the interior garage door I turn to her and say "I have a surprise for you"

As I unlock the door and flip on the light I can see her eyes light up with delight!

"OH MY GOD" she says as she steps carefully into my garage filled to the ceiling with junk.

"Its awesome! I knew you had it somewhere!"

Proudly I look over my garage filled with crap and admire all the possibilities.

You just never know when your going to need something....and I never worry, because I'm sure I have it...somewhere.

It's like a giant indoor junkyard and I know she wants to stay and rummage through everything but she has to leave.

As we turn to step back into the house I caution her to watch out for the broken glass. 

She steps over it like a pro without missing a beat or giving it any thought.

"I can't believe how many picture frames you have..."

I beam.

As I re lock the door I am feeling wonderful.

It's hard to explain.

It's a feeling that only a junk collector knows....and can share with only a select few.

We laugh.

She leaves.

And I know next time...

I won't have to clean.

Dad In Egypt WWII

HE'S THE ONE ON THE CAMEL...COOL HUH?

Excuse My Seriousness For One Moment....

OK...

My dad died in November in the emergency room.

My mom gets a bill from the hospital for $500 for a semi private room...I guess the insurance didn't cover it all???

I call them and say my dad wasn't admitted into the hospital...he died in the emergency room.

They say...we'll send it to the claims department for review...you should get a letter in a month with an answer.

Month goes by...letter arrives...you owe us $500.  We are sorry but the doctor had placed the order to have your dad admitted...tough tuna...if you don't like it call and fight with your insurance company.

BUT WAIT!

MY DAD DIDN'T USE THE SEMI PRIVATE ROOM...HE DIDN'T MAKE IT OUT OF THE EMERGENCY ROOM...HE DIDN'T USE THE SERVICE THAT YOU BILLED THE INSURANCE COMPANY FOR...ISN'T THAT INSURANCE FRAUD?

IF YOU BILL FOR SOMETHING THAT NEVER HAPPENED ISN'T THAT FRAUD?

UNLESS OF COURSE, LIKE MY SISTER SAID, YOU CONSIDER THE MORGUE A SEMI PRIVATE ROOM!

One Ringy Dingy PART TWO

OK so I am way behind in keeping this blog up....everyday I get home and have two or three ideas and you know what happens? NOthing!
I can't put two words together.
OK I can but they usually don't go well together like...say...for instance...
alphabetized files
I know your saying ...those two sound like they go together...but believe me....in my world they don't.
So I was looking at what I wrote last....i thought I would expand on it.
Do you know what wastes my time more than a answering machine messages that are supposed to be informative?
People trying to carry on a conversation while they have you on speaker phone while driving.
The conversation goes like this...

RING...ring...ring

Good Morning "Dogs and More Dogs" how can I help you?

Hi this is Bill  Cmjkjkja'aj ...hold on.... OK...Bmidkljrh's owner and I'd like to get my dog in.

OoooK....?..?..?....?.....?

For boarding? Grooming? Daycare? Obedience training.....?

Why grooming...hmmmmmph!

No problem.

I'm sorry sir, but how do spell your last name?

Tjsjlkhfahjfj

Did you say Gjsjlkhfahjfj

No Vjsjlkhfahjfj   C j s j l k h f a h j f j

V?

NO! C as in Ceasar j s j l k h f a h j f j

Oh OK sorry sir I'm having a hard time hearing you.....must be the phone.

And your dog?  What was his name?

Bmidkljrh....he's been there plenty of times...you know the poodle...the poodle!

Mmidkljrh?

NO! B as in baby m i d k l j r h!

OK sorry Sir...something must be wrong with our connection...you sound so distorted.

I'm in my car...in my car...on speaker.

Ahh that explains it.

Did you have a date in mind or just the soonest we have?

The soonest!

Ok...I have an opening this Wednesday at noon...would that work for you?

Well I'm not sure I have to check my work schedule...

Hold on...maybe my wife can bring him...let me find out...

(can u brng Bmidkljrh for groming on wednsdy? Im not sre if I hav to wrk?)

(do they have an erlyr appotmnt?)

Do you have an earlier appointment?

No Sir, not on that day...but I do have an 8:00 on Thursday!

(she hs a 8:00 on thrsdy)

(I cant Thrsdy...I hav clss)

No we can't do the 8:00 on Thursday....I'll have to call you back.

CLICK>>>BANG!

AGAIN.... that wasn't the man shooting himself although at this point I wouldn't have been too upset...it was the sound of my head hitting the desk in exasperation.

One Ringy Dingy....

I hate answering machines.

Always have.

When they first came out I bought one thinking that it was necessary.

But then I had to call everybody back...on my dime.

See, that was back when local long distance was more expensive then calling the moon.

I lived an hour from the city...out of the local metropolitan calling area.

My brother-in-law once told my sister that it would be cheaper for her to get in the car and drive to visit me then it was to call me.

It was true.

Anyway....as I started returning phone calls...from the messages left on the new fangled answering machine,

my phone bill went up and up and everyone else's went down.

Stupid machine.

I turned it off.

Later when the phone company enlarged the calling areas to include us country bumpkins as locals...I turned it back on.

Today, some 25 years later...I'm ready to turn it off again.

Not mine...yours.

Talk about emails and Facebook wasting peoples time....how about the good 'ole outgoing message?

I figured it out the other day that I spend at least one extra minute on each phone call waiting for the answering machine to pick up and listening to the message.

Just for the calls I make for work that's 80 minutes a week...320 minutes a month...3840 minutes or 64 hours a year listening to...

Hi, you have reached 222-2222 we can't come to the phone right now but your call is important to us, the Constansa family, you have reached the sprint mailbox of 222-2222 press one to leave a message or just stay on the phone wait for the beep listen to this music while we locate the party you have called, press two for more options press three to send a numeric message, press one to leave a message for the parents press two to leave a message for the kids press three too leave a message for the dog, hi this is Sondra leave me a message and I'll be sure to get back to you have a good day, press five to send a picture of you waiting to leave a message, I'm sorry but the person that you called has not set up their voice mailbox - goodbye, hi you have reached John I am not available to take your call at this time please leave a short message with your name and number and brief message and I will return your call as soon as I can, you have reached the number for Harry, Katie, little Jimmy, amazing Joelle, baby Suzanne and Boo Boo the kitty...none of us are home and Boo Boo can't answer she has no thumbs please leave a message and we'll be sure to get back to you maybe because you're important to us but we are so busy shuffling the kids to hockey practice, music lessons, soccer, the mall, special ed, doctors and working two jobs to pay for everything that when we do get home we may just listen to your message and ignore it because we have no time for anything anymore...if someone would have just told us how life was going to turn out we would have done things so differently my mother was right..."BANG"

Oops...don't worry!

I put the bang in there.....that wasn't someone shooting themselves...

That's just the sound of my head hitting the desk when I fall asleep waiting to leave a message.